I was reluctant to start a blog. There, I’ve said it. Blogging always seemed like an attention seeking way of getting people to notice you, and I was not going to be ‘that girl’ ever again. I soon realised that publishing a blog is a lot easier than publishing a book, and rethought the instant shudder that would run through my body when I heard the words: “You should write a blog!” What I wanted to do, and have been wanting to do since I began the winding road to recovery, was to write about my personal journey with my best friend; Bulimia Nervosa.
I was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) in late 2015. My parents and I were ushered into a sweaty room with a bunch of doctors, who said things that I couldn’t even pronounce. I had just had my sixteenth birthday. I described my feelings and actions in a flash, forgetting what I had said as soon as the words came flying out of my mouth. I was then told that I had bulimia with aspects of anorexia. ‘YES!’ I thought as the doctor began to mumble some medical verse to which my parents were intently listening. “I know what this is!” A friend had suffered from the disease when I was in my early teens, and her intense journey had always stuck with me. The initial excitement soon wore off, morphing into confusion. I had absoloutley no idea why they had pinned this label on to me, and the harder I tried to pull it off, the more the glue stuck.
When I had been to twenty agonisingly deep sessions of therapy, I was told that I was cured. The month was April, just in time for my exams in July. It had all worked out perfectly. Until my old friends came back to haunt me, this time taking no prisoners. In the summer of 2016, I relapsed harder than I ever had before.
Now, almost half a year later, I am finally understanding that you cannot simply ‘recover’ from an Eating Disorder; you have to learn to cope with it’s highs and lows, with the ebbing and flowing of the tides of body image. To truly heal, you have to look in the mirror, and love the person staring back at you. This is what I am trying to achieve.
With the coming posts I will try and explain my journey with these so called diseases, and explain why now I am letting go, and focusing on the future.
Peace and Love,